you can call me kathleen kelly.

i feel like kathleen kelly in you've got mail...

kathleen kelly: i just had a breakthrough.
joe fox: what is it?
kk: i have you to thank for it. for the frist time in my life, when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, i knew exactly what i wanted to say and i said it.
jf: i think you have the gift for it. it was a perfect blend of poetry and meanness.

let's just say i have a problem saying what i want to say when i want to say it. especially in the heat of a moment. last night i had my break through. i said exactly what i wanted to say, no holds bar. the truth is it felt great! i wanted him to know how i feel. i wanted him to know that his actions have consequences, consequences that i face. however that all came crashing down tonight when i finally heard back from him, and felt like a total jerk for telling him how i feel.... why? why, am i unable to tell people how i feel without worrying that i'm hurting their feelings. i'm entitled to my own feelings too, right? it's a silly mind game i'm constantly playing with myself. so i send this question into cyber space....

is it worth telling someone how you feel if they have legitimately hurt you?..... knowing it might {and probably will} hurt them?

to sum it up, this is how i feel tonight:

"and an amazing thing happened. i was able, for the first time in my life to say the exact thing i wanted to say at the exact moment i wanted to say it. and of course, afterwards i felt just terrible, just as you said i would. i was cruel and i'm never cruel. though i can hardly believe what i said mattered to this man. to him, i'm just a bugged to be crushed. but what if it did? no matter what he's done to me there is no excuse for my behavior.."


on a completely unrelated topic, i work with the mother of this little boy and the twin sisters in the vehicle. one of her daughters is still in the hospital undergoing major surgeries. it's an absolutely heart wrenching story and i can't imagine what they are going through. please keep this family in your prayers!