wake up call.

today in church i had awake up call. we sang "lord i would follow thee"

the first line of the second verse says....

"who am i to judge another when i walk imperfectly?"

it struck a chord.

it was an unfortunate reminder that i needed.

i've known this is something i need to work on.

after today i really know i need to work on it.

so i now i have my goal for the up and coming week.

some say 3's a crowd...

i say it's just right.

{if you can't tell michelle got her wedding pictures and i'm dying over them... her talented sister photographed the wedding.}

these two girls are my best friends.

we have been through the thick and thin together.

i love them infinitely.

so many things have changed in the 8 years we've been friends.

but the important things have stayed the same.

i feel so blessed to call these two my best friends.

did i already say i love them?

because, i do!

there isn't one thing i don't love about this picture.

www.rememberthisphotographystudio.com

oh how i wish....

i wish.

i wish i could say what was on my mind and never think twice about it.

instead, one of two things happens.

first scenario:

word vomit.

i say it.

no matter how it may come across, or how it might make someone feel,

i say it.

9 times out of 10 the minute after saying it {or typing it} i feel awful.

i retract my statement and plead for forgiveness.

then i spend the next 3 weeks regretting my word vomit, and convincing myself that person really hates me.

{even if that person has said it's "ok" or "they didn't even take it that way"}

second scenario:

i don't say it.

i get walked all over.

i play fair.

while the other person doesn't hold back.

i think of all the things i'd love to say...

but i don't say any of them.

then i spend the next 3 weeks wishing i had the back bone to say what i wanted to.

then i do say what i held back and we are back to the first scenario.

why can't i just articulate my thoughts better?

and then not feel bad?

recovery.

{pin}

the project is in full swing.
it's not as hard as i thought it would be, but literally, i'm treating myself as a recovering addict.
do you know how if you were a recovery alcoholic you wouldn't go to a bar.
i avoid shopping the same way....
i didn't even trust myself in saver's friday night. fur. real.
there have been a couple crowning moments thus far that remind me: I CAN DO THIS!
first:
I started the project march 8th, since then i have brought a lunch to work everyday. {expect for the days i've had lunch dates.}
second:
no solo diet coke runs. guys, that one is rough. BUT I DO IT!
third:
i decided these could be returned... that was one pretty painful, but i decided $72.something could be spent so much better in london or paris. plus aubry adopted them, so i'll still get to see them. and maybe if i'm really nice maybe she'll let me borrow them. maybe?
fourth:
i made it out of target last night with only project approved items. that might be a first ever.
fifth:
my europe savings account hit 4 digits on friday.... i'm drooling over the purchases that are to come.

if you invite me to go shopping and i say no, remember that i'm treating myself as a recovering addict... i have to avoid shopping like it's the only thing between my sobriety and total relapse.

i kinda just want to scream....

....and then curl up in a ball and cry.

{pin}

i usually just go through the motions of life and don't think much of it.

and then i have nights where life just hits me like a freight train.

i don't want to make decisions about school.

hell, i don't even want to go to school.

i compare myself to people around me, and am instantly discouraged.

i feel like i haven't accomplished anything for being 22.

i remember the boy i really liked, decided he was done, and that was that.

i hate my body.

i wish i wouldn't have cut my bangs.

i think about my 2 best friends who will be graduating this spring, and remember i'm no where close.
i feel like i have no bearing on my life.
no plan.

the anxiety sets in.

and i don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

tomorrow's a new day.

japan

i've been trying to think of something to blog about all day...
and i just keep coming back to this.

i have been glued to any media outlet providing coverage of the tragedy that continues to unfold in japan.

it's the most devastating thing i've ever seen.

my heart aches for anyone effect by the devastation.

i can't help but cry when i watch the footage.

it's hard to understand why something like happens.

but then i remember there is a perfect all loving god.

who hears and answers prayers.

so while i can't do anything to physically help them.

i will continue to pray for them.

i'm yours for the taking.

i've always had a thing for matt damon.

would you just look at him? ah, i die.

tonight bridge and i went and saw 'the adjustment bureau'....

the movie? sub par.

matt damon? seriously. i was drooling.

i think briget wanted to hit me 15 minutes into the movie, i kept leaning over saying...

"he is SO cute."

"look at him. he kills me."

"i love him."

"i want to kiss him."

matt, your my number one hollywood boyfriend.

if you'll have me, i'm yours for the taking...

seriously guys. he. is. so. dreamy.

really!

i'm going to go make 'i heart matt' shirts.

sigh...

just you wait.

{print found here}

i'll be honest. i've been surprised and disappointed with people's response to the project.

most people have responded with,

"there's no way"

"ya, right."

"i give it a week."

"you can't do it."

well i'm here to tell you:

I CAN.

AND I WILL.

i can't wait to prove you all wrong.

thanks for having such little faith in me.

the project.

{heaven help me.}

it all started with this woman, and her will power to give up shopping for an ENTIRE year. bless her heart.

aubry heard about "the project" and decided to try it herself for a month.

she's done outstanding. even enduring multiple shopping trips watching me spend and spend and keeping her card in her wallet. bravo.

two saturdays ago i had a retail shopping therapy session like you wouldn't believe.

honestly, i don't know who i was! anything i saw that i remotely wanted i bought.

a couple hundred dollars later, i was home looking at my purchases, and the thrill of shopping gone.

just like an alcoholic drinks to numb the pain... i decided i shop the pain away.

shopping must release endorphins or something, i can't explain it, but it's honestly a high for me.

after returning the vast majority of my purchases of my shopping binge, i decided it was my turn to join

'the project'.

rather than vowing a year like elizabeth. or a month like aubry.

i start today and end may 10th.

why may 10th?

 i leave for europe on 11th and can celebrate my victory in style!

the rules, according to the master...

things i can't buy:

• clothing
• accessories
• jewelry
• shoes
• purses
• magazines
• cd's
• dvd's
• craft supplies
• fast food
• "non-essential" fun beauty expenses.
• frou frou coffee shop coffee {like aubry this equals diet coke}

things i can buy:

• a good haircut
• makeup
• a meal at a lovely restaurant with family and friends
• frou frou coffee shop coffee with friends. {once again we equate this to diet coke}
• classes
• gym
• gifts for family and friends
• charitable contributions to organizations we currently support. {guess this doesn't get me out of tithing}

no doubt this will. be. hard. for. me.

i'm an emotional shopper.

seriously i will need all the help and support i can get!

here goes nothing....

dear spring,

PLEASE GET HERE!

love, brooke

do you believe in destiny?

i do.

here's why....

last week while at nordstrom i saw these shoes.... to die for, right? i knew if i tried them on i would want them. so i did the mature adult thing and just walked away. i'd be lying if i said i didn't think about them more than a few times this week.... yesterday i was at nordstrom again and decided i might as well try them on... only this time they were no where to be found. i asked one of the workers if they still had them, she didn't think so, but she said she would check. she came about out said said, "we only have 1 pair left, and they are a size 8." HOLY HECK! that's MY size!

it was destiny that i got those shoes.

i mean that doesn't "just" happen

follow

ok people.... i know a lot more of you are reading my blog than follow or comment. so do me a solid....

FOLLOW MY BLOG!

sound advice

this is an e-mail conversation that took place between a co-worker and i:

cw: i know you are so sad i'm leaving.
b: i am sad, but i can't expect everyone to be a lifer at the credit union with me.
cw: oh don't worry. you won't be a lifer.
b: that's right, i won't be. i will find a rich husband and never work another day in my life....
cw: that is a solid life goal. i'm not even joking. marry for love? no. marry for wealth & stability? absolutely.



i will take that advice with a grain of salt.

at long last...

after 4 long years, i finally made it back up to the slopes.

i was worried my body wouldn't remember how to snowboard, but was pleasantly surprised with how quickly it all came back to me... like riding a bike.

{which i also haven't done in 6 years}

the conditions were perfect.

i forget how beautiful those resorts are.

i only took 3 spills, and only let 2 curse words fly.

my body is already aching.... tomorrow will be a treat.

thanks to buddy justin for the invite.

 i probably wouldn't have made it up there this year otherwise.