oh how i wish....

i wish.

i wish i could say what was on my mind and never think twice about it.

instead, one of two things happens.

first scenario:

word vomit.

i say it.

no matter how it may come across, or how it might make someone feel,

i say it.

9 times out of 10 the minute after saying it {or typing it} i feel awful.

i retract my statement and plead for forgiveness.

then i spend the next 3 weeks regretting my word vomit, and convincing myself that person really hates me.

{even if that person has said it's "ok" or "they didn't even take it that way"}

second scenario:

i don't say it.

i get walked all over.

i play fair.

while the other person doesn't hold back.

i think of all the things i'd love to say...

but i don't say any of them.

then i spend the next 3 weeks wishing i had the back bone to say what i wanted to.

then i do say what i held back and we are back to the first scenario.

why can't i just articulate my thoughts better?

and then not feel bad?